giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
