My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
