he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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