i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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