Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
