Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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