Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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