conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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