the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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