see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
