Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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