i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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