great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
