Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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