Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She tied me up with her honor cords...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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