Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's always time for handjobs
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
