We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
