I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
