I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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