I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize