Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
