he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
