3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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