You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
