I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
