Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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