before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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