Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
