My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
