Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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