no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
