im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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