I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
