just come out here and I will go home with you...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
