where does the pee come out of this thing
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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