Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
