it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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