Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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