You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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