I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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