My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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