just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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