her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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