life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
