yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it's great music for shaving your balls
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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