her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
