party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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