Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
