I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
