I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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