im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
