if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
