a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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