I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
